This book should be read while you’re drunk with a lot of close girlfriends (not that kind of girlfriend!) – I imagine it would be a lot funnier under those circumstances. I started reading this on the road alone, with my Christian workmate – he opened it up and read a random paragraph – and I quote:

The Farewell Handshake
Relax – this isn’t as insanely boring as it sounds. If executed properly, it’s actually one of the flirtiest goodbyes you can use. Leave him with a slight, lingering handshake. Slide your fingers through his, gently grasping his fingertips at the last second. This is a very personal touch. To be blunt, it’s a lot like the first long caress a woman might give to a man’s penis. Depending on how you use it, it’s the kind of farewell handshake that could very well give him a hard-on. Talk about a sexy exit! (p.223)

The book started out well enough, giving me reasons to flirt, but as I kept reading, I kept cringing, thinking, please, don’t let people really believe that acting like this will attract a boy/girl. I don’t like this book. While I agree with some of what it’s saying, it comes across as being really condescending. I know it says at the beginning that you can flirt for a number of reasons – not just to attract a guy, but while reading it, it seems to place an extraordinary amount of emphasis on attracting guys.

Ok, so it comes across as being really condescending. Primarily because it’s aimed at straight woman and it seems to be telling me that all single straight woman are in need of a man!

After reading the chapter on double-entendres – everything sounds dodgy – following the section on handshakes, we picked up the phone book and read the section on what to do in an earthquake (to try and get the handshake out of our heads) – does “drop, cover, and hold on” sound dodgy to anyone else?

Makeup – I have it on good authority that some men/woman don’t like it when woman wear too much makeup! Or not even don’t like it, but it doesn’t do anything for them. I’m one of them – who someone is turns me on a lot more than what they look like. For example, I’m a sucker for a beautiful smile – it tells me so much more about what a person is like than their makeup!

The really ridiculous thing about this book is that I actually agree with bits of it – what it says about makeup is that it isn’t so much about attracting the opposite sex, but more about feeling sexy yourself – and this will help you be a confident flirter. Which I understand – but I think that if you are confident in who you are, then you’ll also be a confident flirter.

Handtouch by Penny Mathews

This book is aimed more at people who aren’t natural flirters. But when you get advice like the tips in the ‘Even More Advanced Flirt Tips’ section, I’m not sure it’s going to help! With advice like “Pose, pose, pose. Pretend you are a model and the paparazzi are just lovin’ you!”, “Wear very high heels. Mince, don’t walk”, and “If your high heels are stilettos, hop in them like a bunny. Use your imagination to pretend you’ve got a pom-pom on your ass. That’ll help remind you to shake it, baby when you’re not posing it.” Has the author ever talked to any real men, or if she’s been too busy just looking like she’s listening intently to them?

The author comes across as not having had much to do with men – she seems to assume that all men are the same! I know for a fact that this isn’t true – I would never say that any two people are exactly the same – what turns one person on might be a complete turn off for another.

To be fair, Marx does hint at this a little – she suggests that depending on what kind of man you’re trying to flirt with you should try different tactics. But this relies on you knowing the person or picking up on some of their body language – which I guess isn’t completely untoward, but even trying to tell what kind of person someone is by their body language isn’t completely fair I don’t think. And this book kind of proves it – not everyone is a natural flirter (or there wouldn’t be any need for a book like this right? Anyone following?) – so to judge someone on how they’re acting, while it can be fairly accurate, isn’t always.

Yes, there are some things I like about this book, for example, if you do want to act like this, it does have useful tips for you to follow. With step by step guides to acts of flirting, you can’t fail.

I honestly can’t believe I kept reading this! Especially after the following sentence. “All these moves [such as twitching your hips or shaking your booty] tell a guy that he’s dealing with a real woman…” How do these tell a man he’s dealing with a real woman! What is a real woman! Can I get an ‘argh’!

So, to conclude, this book was worth what I paid for it – nothing. (Big thanks to Guy for sending it to me!)
— Grl Sez

Guy Sez: I likewise expect a full review of the Ghirardelli bar that I gave you at the same time! Every sweet, lingering, melting mouthful caressed by your tongue.

This book reminded me of The Rules from a few years back. In each case, an artificial, forced relationship. Flirting should be fun, off the cuff, teasing and tingling. Not the Broadway production Eve Marx makes it into.

I did like the section on rules for flirting in the hot tub, though. As I read it, memories of an evening we spent in a hot tub came bubbling up!
— Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. Thrill me up
2. “The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society” by Mary Ann Shaffer
3. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee

Girl with a One-Track Mind – the UK original

Guy Sez: This is the international edition of the British book of the awesome sex blog of Abby Lee AKA Zoe Margolis.

Believe it or not, this book has been translated into fifteen different languages!

There is blogging success for you. Harry Potter and Dan Brown get translated across the world, but a book based on a blog? C’mon!

And how simple is it to write a book once you’ve got a year’s worth of solid posts? Just lift out the best, staple ‘em together, send the bunch to a publisher. Right?

Wrong! This book is obviously based on the blog, but it’s so much more. And less.

More, because there is material inside not found in the blog. It’s more of a coherent storyline than the fragmented life presented by Abby every day or so online. Many of the original posts are rewritten in a more elegant form.

Less, because many minor posts are omitted entirely or incorporated into other material. It’s not quite the “This is how I felt today, warts and all” writing of the blog.

But, unmistakably Abby Lee. There is no getting away from the constant rumble of sex thoughts through her mind and out into her blog. She glances at a guy and she’s imagining him stripped, erect, inches from her face. Or her pussy. And then she’s feeling him inside, and we’re along for the ride, while her fingers are busy down below.

This woman masturbates at the drop of a hat. She’s always ducking into the bathroom for a quick rub. Or working at herself under the table. Or on a train or a plane.

Her panties are always damp.

No wonder that some of her readers thought she was a man. Women don’t think about sex – and act on it – quite so much as Abby.

Or do they?

Zoe’s female. This book saw her exposed in national newspapers, and after a fair bit of trauma, with paparazzi camped outside her house etc. etc. she accepted the outing and is now a frequent sight on television, at conferences, in photographs. We’re awaiting the movie with keen interest.

As a book, it gets just a teensy bit repetitive. Bridget Jones’ Diary this ain’t. But it remains compelling reading to see how she copes with her powerlust. In the end, there’s a bit of a twist. Sex isn’t everything, we discover.

As a book of the blog, it’s a tangy, tasty serve of the website. You can almost feel the slickness begin as she has an evening out with some handsome hero. As a guy, I know what he’s thinking, and as a reader you know what she’s thinking, and you wonder why they bother with the wine and the small talk. That sexual flash in the eyes and she should be pulling him into the bedroom to get it over with!

Ah, but that would be getting to the climax all too soon, and the foreplay is half the fun. There’s a LOT of foreplay in this book. A lot of steamy thoughts, a lot of sex and a lot of fun.

Highly recommended. Don’t take it on a long plane flight, though. The little old lady in the seat beside you will try to sneak glances at the pages to see what is making you sweat and fidget, and you’ll be whipping off to the can for some relief, long before landing. If the cabin crew aren’t wary, they’ll be dragged in for an impromptu Mile-High Club membership.

Right. On that note, I’m shipping this book off to Grl, last heard from somewhere east of Tulsa.

–Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. Girl With a One-Track Mind
2. FunkyBrownChick
3. “Bonk” by Mary Roach

Guy Sez: I’d like to say this is a movie about San Francisco. There are several shots of San Francisco from the air, a few scenes in the airport and one of a female star explaining why she moved to Omaha:

San Francisco Manager: So, what happened?
Natalie Keener: How exactly do you mean?
San Francisco Manager: You graduated top of your class. You could have had your pick of employment, including right here. Instead, you went to Omaha to… fire people for a living?
Natalie Keener: Challenging work.
San Francisco Manager: I’ll say. I couldn’t imagine doing that day in and day out. Especially not in this climate.
Natalie Keener: I… followed a boy.
San Francisco Manager: I guess we’ve all done that at some point in our lives.

But no. It’s about America. Modern, impersonal, corporate America. The world of airport lounges and identical hotel rooms. The procedures of security and check-in. Loyalty cards and status.

Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) is the opposite of a corporate headhunter. He’s a headkicker, firing employees of downsized corporations. He’s always on the move around the country, terminating people by batches in Dallas, Chicago, Kansas City, Tulsa…

His life is airline lounges and hotel chains, rental cars and living out of a carry-on bag. He lives for airmiles, platinum status, check-in speed and efficiency in travel, possessions and relationships. He’s also a motivational speaker, spreading his lean gospel:

Ryan: How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. Now, I want you to pack it with all the stuff you have in your life. You start with the little things: the shelves and drawers and nicknacks. Then you start adding larger stuff: clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… Your backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home. I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now, I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office. Then you move into the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets. Brothers, your sisters, your parents, your children. And finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack. Feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake, your relationships are the heaviest components of your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets and compromises. The slower we move, the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically over a lifetime: star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We. Are. Not. Swans. We’re sharks.

Ryan is a shark. He spears through the crowds of travellers with checked luggage, first class lanes reserved for him, lounges opening up with the wave of a card. He’s the dream of everyone who has ever languished in a line of shuffling coach passengers, dragging their checked luggage.

Ryan meets Alex (Vera Farmiga) in a hotel bar. She’s got a loyalty tag on a keyring, and before you can say HHonors, they are spreading out their cards, checking each other’s programs, drooling over status and airmile tallies. She’s got sixty thousand, domestic, but he’s got a lot more than that.

He’s joined the Mile High Club transatlantic. She’s done it on a regional hop.

He’s impressed, and in the blink of a camera they are searching for a closet. Next morning they examine their schedules, dates and airport codes spinning and dancing until a jackpot comes up and they can share a layover in a few weeks.

Ryan’s life in the air is interrupted by a summons to corporate headquarters in Omaha. We see him arriving at his tiny, spartan apartment, no personal possessions of any kind. It might as well be a hotel room. Next morning the road team is assembled to listen to a pitch from recently hired Cornell grad Natalie Keener (Anna Kendrick). Ryan’s carefree sequence of flights and hotels and rental cars is under threat.

Ryan and Natalie are sent off for one last road trip, firing folk in a dozen cities. As an aside, every one of the terminated workers is actually a real and recently fired person. For the film, they were given the opportunity to say what they would like to have said at their exit interview. There are some very deep reactions on display.

In Miami, they encounter Alex once again, at a moment of personal trauma for Natalie. A night of carousing follows, with Ryan gradually coming to realise that his life, his career, his philosophy may not mean as much as he thought it did.

There’s more to the film, a lot more, but I’ll leave it for you. It’s good, and there’s no copout ending.

This is perhaps the perfect film for America after a year of deep downsizing. In any given audience there will be people nodding their heads, maybe crying if the wounds are recent.

Ryan’s boss: Retailers are down 20 percent. Auto industry is in the dump. Housing market doesn’t have a heartbeat. It is one of the worst times on record for America. This is our moment.

Terminated worker: On the stress level, I’ve heard that losing your job is like a death in the family. But personally I feel more like the people I worked with were my family, and I died.

Ryan is good at his job. He instructs Natalie, who confidently relies on her “minor in pyschology”, and together they rise above the pain they are inflicting.

There’s sex in this film. And yes, she uses a body double. Ryan has no commitments, no partner, nothing but casual encounters with women on the road. Even his occasional neighbour in Omaha who delivers Ryan’s mail responds to his offer to get together with the news that she is seeing someone. Ryan just shrugs. It’s not important.

Ryan’s message to imagine your life as a backpack and to empty it of belongings and then set fire to it is a fantasy for the road warrior. His message to treat relationships the same way is not one that I would expect to resonate with too many people. Like, anyone with a heart.

Possessions can weigh you down. and yes, every now and then somebody loses everything they own in a fire or some other disaster – like being laid off. But relationships are the true gold. They weigh nothing in your mythical backpack, but they are everything in your life.

Ryan and his co-workers see their jobs as sugar-coating the inevitable. They have no control over or knowledge of why a worker is terminated – they never ever say “fired” – and their own jobs are just a list of names to cross off and a stack of glossy termination packages to hand out, each one listing the material benefits, severance pay, timings and conditions of downsizing.

But the workers being let go see the thing different. Their coworkers are their friends. Their job provides for their family. How do they translate Ryan’s slick lines into words they can use with their wife and children?

This is a film about airmiles and hotel chains and rental cars and casual sex. But it’s really about relationships. What do you really want out of life? A million airmiles and a graphite loyalty card? Or someone to hold you close and share your life. All of your life.
–Guy Sez

Comments:

No Flagship Lounge at DFW. Admirals Club one of my favorites, ate out, sharing icecreams with Grl at B&J, chicken and salad at TGIF. Quick beer in the club, skipped inflight meal, very nice shiraz. Grl hung out window admiring awesome desert and mountain view, I read Diary of a Sex Fiend. Pleasant flight. Good to be home!

Related posts:

1. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
2. “Bonk” by Mary Roach
3. Love is the Answer – Barbra Streisand

FunkyBrownChick.com

• Blog Name: FunkyBrownChick
• Type: Lifestyle
• Level: Spicey
• Author: Twanna A Hines
• Location: New York City
• First Post: June 21, 2005
• Popularity: “On a good day, upwards of 3,000+ people visit this site. Funky Brown Chick isn’t huge. It isn’t extremely tiny either.”
• Platform: WordPress

My name is Twanna and I own Funky Brown Chick.
All rights reserved. So, please, don’t be a dick.

Guy Sez: You gotta love someone with a copyright notice like that one!

Perhaps the best introduction is FunkyBrownChick’s own words in her first post:

let’s see … this is the first entry so i should probably tell you more about myself. i’m somewhat new to new york, but i’m used to big cities. i’m black; hence, the “brown” in funky brown chick. i’m single and dating so you’ll get to read about all of the crazy stories from my 30-something love-less life. i could write more, but i’m sure we’ll come to know each other better with time. best not to rush these things.

Twanna A Hines, Funky Brown Chick – photo by Bill Wadman

Twanna maintains another site at twannahines.com – a site unlike any other I’ve seen. More than a Twitter feed, less than a blog, it’s a net-bite series of snapshots of her life. The more I read of Twanna, the more impressed I am. You don’t expect deep insights from a sexblogger, usually more noted for erotic entertainment than analysis and philosophy, but here in the Huffington Post she sticks it to Steven Levitt, author of Freakonomics. Then again, she has two degrees – a BS and an MA.

A self-described sexpot, she looks good enough to eat. Her chocolate skin has sent any number of delicious thoughts scampering through my hungry mind.

She gives good blog. Well written, entertaining, punchy. Not heavy on the explicit details, but she doesn’t pull her punches – if she is sleeping with someone, she sez so. It’s more a relationship blog than a sex blog; presumably you know what to do once you’re in bed together, you don’t need to be told who put what where and how many strokes per second.

There’s a “Best of First Year” post here. Even better, there’s a “Worst of…” post the very next day. Twanna doesn’t take herself too seriously! There’s a few broken links, due to a platform change or two from Blogger to Wordpress and one domain to another, but it’s not too hard to find the original posts. Better yet, just read the whole first year, skimming if you wish. Her posts aren’t long. Then read the second, third, fourth and fifth years! It’s all good.

If I have a criticism at all, it’s that the blog looks very “busy” on the page. There’s a lot going on, with advertising from various sources, an archive list as long as a short arm, a category list likewise, the posts themselves, and other bits and pieces all over. Then again, blogs that are solid slabs of text turn me off.

Twanna began blogging under the pseudonym Stollie (for Stolichnaya vodka) but gave that up after a while. She’s not the sort of person who works well with deception. She’s genuine, honest, upfront. You get a good flavor in an online interview at Clutch Magazine:

Best part about being FBC is that it’s me %100. Whether I’m church, with my friends or at work, I am Twanna Hines, Funky Brown Chick.

Twanna’s interest is in men. Young, sexy, exciting, often with a foreign accent. She has regular testosterone-based posts. Manly Mondays, Testicle Tuesdays and – sigh – Wanker Wednesdays.  I must admit to a certain level of fascination. Who will be the next man in her sights? Will she date him? How will it turn out?

Not just men and relationships, of course. For any single woman (or man) aiming to live in New York City, this blog is your homework. Native New Yorkers will have it in their genes, but Twanna moved to NYC from Chicago five years ago, and she has seen it all from an outside perspective. More outside than Chicago, actually – she’s lived here and there around the world and has insights and experience that put the frosting on top.

Sometimes her life reads a little like the script for a television series. Sexie in the City, maybe. She’s always got something on her plate, from heavy-duty writing workshops to interracial dating. There’s the flavor of an active metropolitan lifestyle. Twanna’s not writing for the sake of filling up blog pages – she’s taking time out from an actual life to fill us in on things interesting and thoughtful, entertaining and stimulating, fun and funky.

Which makes the titbits about her book all the more teasing. She’s working on the book of the blog, and unlike others I’ve seen, this won’t be just the pick of the website bound and gagged, this will have new material and a theme. Perhaps like Melissa Plaut’s Hack, where the Jewish Lesbian NYC night cabbie’s blog was transformed into a book that was edgier, more personal, more comprehensive, more coherent than the blog had ever been.

Looking forward to reviewing the book. In the meantime, Twanna’s blog has become one of my must-reads. Highly recommended for a smart, funny, literate woman’s view of life, the Big Apple, and the world.

–Guy Sez

Bonus video: FunkyBrownChick and Girl With a One-Track Mind talking at SXSW

Related posts:

1. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
2. Girl With a One-Track Mind

Love is the Answer – Barbra Streisand

Guy Sez: OK, she’s airbrushed on the album cover. No way 67 year old Barbra Streisand looks like she’s still in her twenties.

Having made that crack, I’ll note that her voice remains the same: every note, every word, every phrase perfect. Not a lot of the geschreying of old, but the material doesn’t need force. This album is more reflective, more serious. These are not the love songs of a twenty year old, every line oozing passion and urgent need. These are the memories of a lady who has had a rich and romantic life, looking back with wistful joy.

Straight up, go for the deluxe edition with the two CDs. The songs are the same on both (though Disc 1 has a bonus track), but Disc 2 is just Barbra and a jazz quartet, instead of the overlaid orchestra on Disc 1.

It’s not just me. Barbara’s voice is the treasure here, and no matter how good the boys in the band may be, they are not the reason to buy this album. Forget the orchestral versions and stick with the quartet.

Love is the reason, love is the answer, and each one of these carefully chosen love songs will hook into your romantic heart, where Barbra’s mellow tones will coax out the loving fool in you. These are songs to share on a quiet night, just you and a lover enjoying each other’s closeness. Songs for holding hands, songs for a glass of something, songs for a fireside evening together.

Grl will tell you all that, Sister Hazel aside, I like the older stuff. And that’s mostly so. Biz Markie can make me laugh without a smile cracking his big round face, but yeah, for me it’s Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and Simon and Garfunkel. And Barbra Streisand.

She was fantastic, crooning Memory from The Way We Were. Or taking a bath with Kris Kristofferson in A Star Is Born. I used to wear that part of the Beta smooth, rewinding it, hoping she’d stand up, covered in suds as she looked into my eyes and sang Evergreen to me.

Love is the Answer. Right. Hit the fast forward on that clunky old video and we’re into the next century, though you wouldn’t know it, looking at Babs in all her Photoshop glory, showing a little bare shoulder, a little tit, nothing but a blanket between her and a middle-aged male fantasy.

The key song is Here’s To Life:

But there’s no “yes” in yesterday
And who knows what tomorrow brings or takes away
As long as I’m still in the game, I want to play
For laughs…for life…for love.

It’s been a good, satisfying life, Barbra tells us, but she’s not ready to give up the fun. Not yet. I’ve listened to the song a dozen times and gotten more out of it each time.

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning, despite its poignancy, is almost comic relief in comparison. It’s a song I associate with Sleepless in Seattle, a light romantic comedy, yet Barbra extracts every ounce of emotion from it. We’ve all been there: woken at two in the morning to an empty space in the big bed, and we’re alone with our thoughts. There’s a lovely Diana Krall piano solo to listen for. The two discs have slightly different lyrics, but you’ll have to listen closely to pick it.

The fourth track is the deepest. If You Go Away (Ne Me Quitte Pas) has some sorrowing lines, delivered absolutely right on target, and then Barbara drops into French. Delving into the history of this song, Ne me quitte pas was written after singer/songwriter Brel was thrown out of his mistress’s life after casting shame and sadness upon her. She was pregnant with Brel’s child and had an abortion after he refused fatherhood. Listening to the English lyrics, it’s clear that there’s a crisis on hand, Barbara seeing devastation if her lover leaves, and paradise if he stays. But just listen to the agony and promise in her voice!

Two more tracks caught my eye. The evergreen Smoke Gets In Your Eyes: as Barbra says, she’s heard it a thousand times before, but this time in singing it herself she’s found new meanings. To me it’s simple: lose love and cry. And finally, my favorite song on the album. Make Someone Happy.

Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Fame, if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you’ve found her,
Build your world around her.
Make someone happy.
Make just one someone happy
And you will be happy too.

I’d like to think that this is a good philosophy for life. Barbara’s fame certainly isn’t fleeting, but she’s got a lifetime of amazing talent to draw upon. And making other people happy certainly pays dividends in making yourself happy. I know that for a fact. I live for smiles. And ultimately, when it comes down to it all, one way or another, all the deep questions of human existence come down to four words: Love is the Answer.

Grl Sez Guy’s right, this isn’t the stuff of a 20 year olds romance, but it’s beginning to grow on me! Not something I would put on my ipod, but if I wanted a romantic atmosphere on a date, this is definitely something I would play. Softly, in the background, over dinner with candles and flowers. In the hopes that it would go further…

Track listing:
1. Here’s To Life
2. In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning
3. Gentle Rain
4. If You Go Away (Ne Me Quitte Pas)
5. Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most
6. Make Someone Happy
7. Where Do You Start?
8. A Time For Love
9. Here’s That Rainy Day
10. Love Dance
11. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
12. Some Other Time
13. You Must Believe In Spring

Related posts:

1. “For Today” by Netherworld Dancing Toys
2. Why Sister Hazel rocks!
3. Thrill me up

• Blog Name: Girl With a One-Track Mind
• Type: Sexual adventures
• Level: Explicit description
• Author: Zoe Margolis AKA Abby Lee
• Location: London
• First Post: January 1, 2004
• Popularity: “more than 7 million readers over the last five years and now averages 150,000 unique visitors a month.”
• Awards: “won the Bloggie Award for Best British/Irish Weblog in both 2006 and 2007 and the Observer newspaper recently ranked it at number 24 in their Top 50 Most Powerful Blogs in the World list.”
• Platform: Blogger/Blogspot

Guy Sez: If the measure of success of a blog is overflow into the mainstream, via a book or even a movie, then sex blog Girl With a One-Track Mind has made the grade. One book has already been published, with a follow-up shortly to be released, detailing events after the blog’s author was “outed” by a newspaper. There’s talk of a screenplay.

Beginning in January 2004, Abby (as Zoe then called herself for the sake of anonymity) posted on a daily basis about how she thought of nothing else but sexual fantasies. And how (several times a day) she acted on those fantasies:

I am playing three times a day (and I am not pre-menstrual). And shortly after I’ve had a fiddle, I am thinking about the next one. My underwear seems to be in a semi-permanent state of dampness right now…

And no, she’s not talking about a musical instrument here. She’s got a one-track mind, right enough!

The whole point of the blog is that this is normal. She notes:

I think about sex constantly. The thing about guys and it being on their minds every 8 seconds – I have one question: what about the other 7?! I certainly know what I am thinking about during those…

From my (guy) point of view, what she describes is quite normal for a young man: thinking about the women in his life, his schoolroom or workplace, on the street… Checking them out, mentally stripping them off, fantasizing about having sex with them. And yes, masturbating a few times each day. Good to see a girl running along the same tracks…

But no, it’s not all fantasy. Here, let me repost some of Abby’s “That was the year that was” review listing for her first year as a sexblog-goddess:

• Discovering how a man can get a great blowjob from a vacuum cleaner
• 20 things I have in common with men
• My experience as a woman in film
• Mutually masturbating while driving
• Finally giving it a try with a new guy
• The end of my anal virginity
• On fisting myself
• Fucking with fruit
• How to have a Fuck Buddy
• At home alone: twice the pleasure
• Having 20+ orgasms in one night
• On Bully Wanks
• Cyber sex with a copper
• Cock size doesn’t matter
• Shopping for sex toys
• The art of silent wanking

For the record, other “year in review” posts are here and here. Abby’s personal favorite posts are compelling reading indeed. Not that her normal, everyday efforts should be skipped over.

The book of the blog

In 2006, everything changed. Twice over. To begin with, she wrote a book based on her blog, and had it published. She shares the news with her readers here. Fabulous success! The book of the blog is a best-seller, gains critical acclaim, is translated into fifteen languages, and Abby is the name on everyone’s lips. The downside was that, a few days after publication, she was outed.

God. Can you just imagine the shock and dismay? All these unbelievably intimate descriptions of sex, masturbation, fantasies, comments on friends, family and acquaintances, all posted behind the shield of web-anonymity. And suddenly, you are exposed in a national newspaper. Everyone who has ever known you is going to be able to read the blog or buy the book to discover your deepest darkest secrets. The things that happened behind closed doors and the thoughts that were safely locked away. Every last detail of your most private life out in the open.

The effect on Zoe (as Abby now had to call herself) was devastating. But, she coped. The blog immediately became a lot less sizzling and personal, though posts regained some of their savor  over time. And, despite the blog changing flavor and direction, it became no less compelling. With Zoe now a public figure, opportunities opened up. She travelled more, spoke at international conferences, appeared on television shows, and wrote another book.

The second book, Girl with a One Track Mind: Exposed – Further Revelations of a Sex Blogger, is set for publication in March 2010. As a blogger with current readership measured on the fingers of one hand – sorry, the other one’s self-employed – this is going to be inspiring reading. Not just a sex blog, Girl With a One-Track Mind is now a success blog.

At the time of writing (January 2010), the blog’s latest post is well over a month old. Zoe describes a threesome encounter with two men, and the morning after, she shares breakfast with her flatmate:

“So what’s next?” he asked me, as we got stuck in to our fry-up. “Where does The Girl go from here?”

“You know what?” I replied. “I’m happy now. I’ve done what I’ve always wanted; I’ve finally ticked the biggest box on my To-do list. I’m ready to settle down and get married.”

He raised his coffee cup in a mock toast and I did the same. And as I ate my bacon and eggs, I was aware that I was unable to stop smiling.

That sounds like an exit line to me. It’s hard to imagine Zoe keeping up the standard without a very understanding partner. A big part of her appeal was the many and varied men (and women) in her life on what was often a daily basis. With only three posts in five months, it’s probably safe to say that this blog is no longer her top priority. However, there are five years worth of sizzling archives to enjoy. Not to mention two books and possibly a movie.

–Guy Sez

Bonus video: Zoe and FunkyBrownChick at South by Southwest

Zoe Sez (via email): Hi Guy,

Thanks for dropping me an email, I appreciate your doing that. Thanks also for the very nice review – most kind of you!

Your blog looks very professional, has great design, and good content: I wish you all the best with it.

Kind regards,

Zoe/Abby

Guy Sez: Thanks, Zoe! A kind word from a popular and passionate blogger means the world to Grl and I. We’ve got your books on order – reviews will follow in due course. –Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
2. FunkyBrownChick
3. Coming soon…

Sister Hazel's latest

Why Sister Hazel rocks!

Everyone knows I’m a huge Hazelnut (well everyone who’s read my Hot Seat!), but I’m quite serious when say they are one of the greatest bands around. And why, you might ask, dear reader. Because they have a song for almost any occasion (well for love anyway, which let’s be honest, is what life is about!). Every time something’s happened in my love life (so not very often :p), I’ve found a Sister Hazel song that speaks to me about where I am.

Songs for hooking up:

• Hello, It’s Me (Absolutely)
• Everything Else Disappears (Absolutely)

Absolutely

Songs for being madly in love:

• Beautiful Thing (Fortress)
• Everybody (Chasing Daylight)
• In The Moment (Lift)
• Let Your Love Flow
• Mandolin Moon (Absolutely)
• One Love (Chasing Daylight)
• See Me Beautiful (Release)
• This Kind Of Love (Absolutely)
• Vacation Rain (Release)

Songs about love:

• See Me Beautiful (Release)


Fortress

• Hopeless (Chasing Daylight)
• Strange Cup Of Tea (Fortress)

Songs for breaking up:

• Tear By Tear (Absolutely) (not really about breaking up, but if I need a good cry its a good one to get me going)
• Best I’ll Ever Be (Chasing Daylight)
• Take A Bow (Release)
• Take It Back (Release)
• Shame (Absolutely)
• Where Do You Go (Absolutely)
• Truth Is (Absolutely)
• Killing Me Too (Chasing Daylight)

Chasing Daylight

Songs for when you’re starting to get over them:

• Life Got In The Way (Chasing Daylight)
• Meet Me In The Memory (Absolutely)
• Wanted It To Be (…Somewhere More Familiar)

Personal favorites of mine:
Everything Else Disappears – I love the shyness of this song, the unsureness of the singer, the potential of something amazing happening, the romance, “and we sat on your car while the light from the stars poked holes in the sky.” And the happy ending!

Let Your Love Flow – (Written by the Bellamy Brothers) What I
love about this song is that it makes love seem so natural – which it is – by likening it to natural things “Just let your love fly, like a bird on a wing, and let your love bind you, to all living things.” I also love this line “must be that season when that love light shines all around us” – I know when I’m in love it feels exactly like there’s light shining out of me, all around me, surrounding everything.

Lift

This Kind Of Love – I mostly love this one for its slow, methodic beat, making the song sound extremely simple, just like love… And the lyrics just ignite something in me – they get the feeling so right!

Best I’ll Ever Be – Oozes disappointment that it didn’t work out. I just love the bit at the end of the song, just random household noises, but they sound so poignant, still oozing disappointment…
– Grl Sez

Guy Sez: Grl put me onto Sister Hazel, and since then I’ve become nutty as well. Not sure that I’d say they were one of the best bands in the world, but yes, they rock! My own few personal favorites:

...Somewhere More Familiar

One Love – This is just a fantastic song for being in love. It sums up what it’s like to have a lover who is the real thing.

This Kind Of Love – More of the same – it’s a great song to play at a wedding.

Run for the Hills – I love this song. It’s got spinning wheels and people grabbing their lover and running for the hills as the tide rises, hard rain comes down and fire and brimstone bubbles up. We’ve all had days like that.

See Me Beautiful – I’d like to be the person others see me as, without my private doubts or vices. It’s something I strive towards, and this work is its own reward.

My personal ambition – one of many – is to find the time to attend a Sister Hazel concert with Grl, and rock along in the audience. We’ve come close a few times, missed out by a day or so in Orlando and St Louis. We’ll get there one day.
– Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. Love is the Answer – Barbra Streisand
2. “For Today” by Netherworld Dancing Toys
3. In the Hot Seat: Grlsezual of mygfsez.com

I just read the most amazing book ever! It’s set just after World War Two in London and this little island called Guernsey (I’d never heard of it either!) Totally romantic love story

Ur Grl.

Grl,

Are you commanding me to read it? I just happen to be here at City Lights bookstore. txt me details and I’ll lift a copy.

Ur own Guy

Don’t make me tie you up again! YES BUY IT! The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society is the name of the game (isn’t that a wonderful name for a book!), and it’s by Mary Ann Shaffer.

Not surprised you’re at City Lights AGAIN…are you ever NOT there?

Ur Grl

Grl,

CL is a cool bookstore. OK. I’ve found it. Found a comfy chair. Will read. I think the title is longer than the book. Looks like it is written as a series of letters.

Guy, reading hard

I know it is ok, I just think you might have a small obsession….either with the books or with that cute girl with the beret….or both!

Yeah it’s written in letters – isn’t it great! Really gets you into the minds of the characters

Ur Grl

Grl!

This is a wonderful book! Utterly charming. Juliet Ashton, the main character, sounds like you. Literate, sparkling, outrageous. Except you haven’t written and published a book. Yet.

I just love the way the characters are introduced in letters they write. You get a feel from the details of the address, their salutations, the way they write… Here’s Dawsey Adams from Guernsey in the Channel Islands, writing to Juliet, because he owns a book with her name and address in it, and wants to know more:

Charles Lamb made me laugh during the German Occupation, especially when he wrote about the roast pig. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society came into being because of a roast pig we had to keep secret from the German soldiers, so I feel a kinship to Mr Lamb.

I think I can see where this is going…

Yours sincerely

Guy Sezual

Isn’t it great – Juliet is great, but just wait till you get to meet some other Guernseyites – my favourite is Isola.

Dawsey is a complete sweetheart though – he seems so wise to me, much older than he actually is…

I should warn you there’s a sad bit…but so many funny bits as well!

Grl,

So right about the funny parts! Juliet and her friends are wicked in their private letters to each other. Not sure I’m right about the plot. Juliet is being courted by a rich American now, and if I read between the lines, they are spending a LOT of quality time together.

The Guernsey people are a mixed bunch. All writing to Juliet to tell their side of the story of the GL&PPP (what a mouthful!) Society. Miss Adelaide Addison is funny, though she doesn’t mean to be:

Dear Miss Ashton,

Forgive the presumption of a letter from a person unknown to you. But a clear duty is imposed upon me… (snip a lot of snarkey gossip) …You must not write about these people and their books – God knows what they saw fit to read!

Yours in Christian Consternation and Concern,

Adelaide Addison (Miss)

Huh! Bet she’s a very old Miss! I’m liking the way that there are two or more sides to every story, and each character is doing their best to show their best side. That girl with the shaved head and red beret has come around a couple of times now. Maybe I’d better buy this copy.

Guy, reading as fast as possible

Have you read the character references yet? Those are f-u-n-n-y! Juliet gets two acquaintances to write to the Society so they know she won’t treat them frivolously… one woman (Lady Bella Taunton) who rather dislikes her:

I cannot impugn her character – only her common sense. She hasn’t any.

and the Reverend Simon Simpless who has known her since birth and loves her dearly….

Juliet was a stubborn but nevertheless a sweet, considerate, joyous child – with an unusual bent for integrity in one so young.

Despite Lady Bella sending an awful character reference, I still end up liking Juliet all the more for the complaints she has about Juliet!

Lady Grl

Grl,

Thanks for putting me onto this book. I’m eating it up and licking off the sauce.

So many characters! So many pieces of the puzzle. Juliet has visited Guernsey, and followed a lead to France, to find out what happened to one of the main characters. The German invaders are shown as brutal in some respects, but humane and kind in others. It must have been a very hard time, with the shortages of food, and I’m now understanding why they made pies out of odd ingredients.

Hungryguy

Not sure there’s be much sauce in this pie Guy!

That’s another thing I loved about this book, it doesn’t show all the Germans as evil…I know there were some evil people involved, but it isn’t possible for every single person from one country to be evil! I guess what I’m trying to say is that it shows a whole lot of really interesting personalities….and people, in a unique kind of way. Gives all the characters a chance to show who they really are.

Grl,

There’s so many threads, so many characters, so many nuances. So many sides. One thing bugs me a bit. The main character is Juliet Ashton, but she changes so much between the first half of the novel when she is a columnist in London preparing her second book, and when she is actually on Guernsey. She changes, and the ending becomes just a little predictable.

Yes, I’ve finished the book. Just as well, because it’s almost closing time!

Guy

Guy – I don’t think she changes…maybe how we see her changes, but ultimately she’s still Juliet Ashton, trying to find someone she can talk to AND be silent with….and I liked the ending! -Grl

Grl,

Perhaps it’s the tone of the narrative then. When she’s in London, we know she’s going to go to Guernsey eventually, but we’re wondering about what’s going to happen. When she gets there, meets all the people she’s been corresponding with, it’s like the story is on rails, just gliding into the station. The only real interest in the second half of the book is in finding out what happened to Elizabeth. It’s almost as if the author lost interest in her main character once she’d got her future sorted, and transferred the focus to another character.

But, having said that, I really enjoyed this story, and you’ve given me yet another excuse to while away half a day out of my remaining years in the most pleasant fashion.

The book has a steady narrative, a delightful range of characters, each one distinct and well-drawn. Perhaps most important of all, it is set on an island very few people would know about, and in a piece of history that is all but unknown. It’s a remarkable story in its own right, and adding in a love story written in period letters, it’s utterly charming!

Guy, charmed

I disagree with you on that point, Guy – I didn’t feel at all as though the only interest in the second part of the book was Elizabeth…YES, she is a major part of it, but there’s all those other characters we’re getting to know from other points of view – both Juliet’s and our own! –Grl

Grl,

You’re to blame for this book coming home to live with me. I read it all at a sitting, and the perfect end to the day was to take it to the counter, run it by that lovely lady with the cherry berry, and slip it into my backpack. I’ll read this again, and very likely I’ll buy copies secondhand to foist them on my friends. This is one of those books.

Your Happy Guy

Woohoo, someone else sucked in!

Related posts:

1. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
2. “Bonk” by Mary Roach
3. “Read My Hips” by Eve Marx

An odd name for a group. Netherworld Dancing Toys. You just know that this lot won’t be playing chamber music or dirging on about the Edmund Fitzgerald sinking.

The band was formed in 1982 in Dunedin, New Zealand, and was popular amongst students at the University of Otago. Boisterous and fun-loving, their work dealt with themes popular amongst young adults, and this 1985 song, about smiles and relationships, is a cherished favorite of mine. It also won several awards and has been used in advertising campaigns, most notably by New Zealand Post.

The vocalist talks about preferring his own company, but realising that ”there’s a hole in my well-being so big you could drive a truck right through,” he tells the listener, “I think you should know, that you are the one who could probably fill it for good.”

Isn’t this the very heart of love? Another human being makes you complete. Without them, you are empty. No satisfaction, no pleasure, nothing compares to the company of your lover. Together, you are one, you are Yin and Yang, you fill each other up completely.

And overflow. There is a sweet excess about lovers. You hold hands, kiss, gaze into each other’s eyes, and onlookers smile in recollection of their own loves. Perhaps they head to the post office to whip off a hot letter to a past flame.

“For today, I remember your smile.” That line, repeated over and over, is the chorus, the core, the couer of the song. Love is pleasure, laughter, shared joy, smiles and happiness. That’s what distinguishes love from sex. Without love, sex is merely the friction of parts; a mechanical satisfaction as routine as consuming a hamburger.

Love is the sauce, love is the spice, love is everything that makes the mundane into magic. Without love, we are just going through the motions. With love, the stars themselves twinkle for our personal pleasure, the birds sing, the world revolves and people smile at us. All is good.

“For today, I remember your smile,” the song continues on and on. There’s a yearning there. The lovers are apart, memories of past smiles the only solace. Until that joyous moment when the arms open, the lovers embrace, the lips meet and the smiles return.

“All I want to do is be with you, and everything else seems unimportant compared.”

There are other, more famous love songs, but for me, this bright smiling song sums up everything in love. I hear it, I think of the joyful face of my lover, and I smile in happy memory.

And, when at last we are in each other’s arms again, nothing else matters. Not even the best love song in the world.

–Guysezual

Related posts:

1. Long distance love
2. Love is the Answer – Barbra Streisand
3. In the Hot Seat: Guysezual of mygfsez.com

Title:
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

Author:
Mary Roach

Previous publications:

• Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers
• Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife

Abstract
This is an examination of the scientific examination of sex. We learn a lot about sex and sexual behaviour and the history of sex, but mainly we learn about the nerds who strapped on goggles and gloves and clipboards to record how the good bits fit together.

Some of them reduced sex to subject numbers and data points. Some of them took photographs. And some entered the fourth dimension, notably the author and her husband, having sex for research purposes under the gaze of an ultrasound wand manipulated by a gent with spikey hair.

This book is every Weird Science nightmare. There’s a French princess who had her clitoris surgically transplanted into an optimum position for maximum stimulation. There are sex machines with chains and pumps and speed controllers and a fan club who build their own devices. (I’d give a lot to get their wives drunk and talkative.) There’s Dr Alfred Kinsey filming 300 paid male volunteers to masturbate on film so that he can measure the ejaculation distance. Most slopped, a few made it a foot, the record was just over eight feet. Mrs Kinsey’s comments on cleaning the carpet the next day are not recorded.

It is the wry eye of Mary Roach that makes this book. Her description of an unfortunate encounter is a good example:

…the Houston man was taken away, on his back in an ambulance, with a large water tank from a public commode stuck on his penis. “The patient had attempted intercourse with the water-tank hole,” reports B H Bayer, MD, in one of those rare, shining moments when urology approaches high comedy.

I think the author gets far too much fun out of all the statistics, sex on camera, Rube Goldberg measuring devices and coyly-worded requests for research funding. If the situation is absurd enough on its own, Roach will improve it with a well-chosen word or two.

The chapter titles give a teasing notion of the contents:

1. The Sausage, the Porcupine, and the Agreeable Mrs. G.
2. Can a Woman Find Happiness with a Machine?
3. The Princess and Her Pea
4. Does Orgasm Boost Fertility, and What Do Pigs Know About It?

Honest, this is about science, but it is also screamingly funny. Mary Roach has a sense of humour that made her first book about dead bodies an hilarious best-seller. I emphasise the warning given above. Be very careful where you read this book.

For the record, I found the chapter about pigs to be the funniest. I was gasping for breath half way through as assembly-line artificial insemination was described.

The training video includes a shot of a handsome, suntanned Dane lying on a sow, his chest pressed to her back. With one hand, he reaches down beneath her to rub her mammaries and squeeze her teats. A close-up highlights a gold wedding ring, as though to reassure the viewer that nothing untoward is going to happen between these two.

The most valuable chapter? Right at the end. The secret to amazing sex is to have it with someone of your own gender. Someone who knows what you like, because they have the same equipment. Someone who isn’t going to pound your clitoris into submission, or be too soft with your penis. Someone who will take their sweet time when required, and beat a faster drum at the right moment. Alternatively, talk to your partner. Tell them what you like, when you like it. Find out what they like. And, though Mary Roach doesn’t say it, the message is implicit on every page. Make them laugh. Make them love you.

Mary Roach has written three books now. If she ever publishes a fourth, I am going to be like those crowds of children beating down the bookstore doors for the latest Harry Potter. I am going to be first in line. And I am not taking the bus home.

Narrative
I bought this in Compass Books at San Francisco International Airport. On special (hardback) for $6.98. A few days later I was in a laundromat with Grl in Fort Worth, watching our underwear spin around together. I was reading Bonk and she was reading Tuesdays with Morrie and the tears were just pouring down her face as she struggled through the final few poignant chapters. Emotional genius that I am, I was lost in the insanely funny sex book, reading out choice paragraphs to Grl, who seemed strangely unamused.

A few days later, Grl and I flew back in, and I took her straight to Compass Books – highly recommended for books that are a sight better than your average airport sex thriller – where we discovered that the hardback specials had vanished but paperbacks were available. I bought two. This is another one of those books that you force on friends, saying, “You gotta read this!”

I gave one copy to Grl, on the spot.

–Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. “The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society” by Mary Ann Shaffer
2. “Read My Hips” by Eve Marx
3. Girl With a One-Track Mind