Girl with a One-Track Mind – the UK original

Guy Sez: This is the international edition of the British book of the awesome sex blog of Abby Lee AKA Zoe Margolis.

Believe it or not, this book has been translated into fifteen different languages!

There is blogging success for you. Harry Potter and Dan Brown get translated across the world, but a book based on a blog? C’mon!

And how simple is it to write a book once you’ve got a year’s worth of solid posts? Just lift out the best, staple ‘em together, send the bunch to a publisher. Right?

Wrong! This book is obviously based on the blog, but it’s so much more. And less.

More, because there is material inside not found in the blog. It’s more of a coherent storyline than the fragmented life presented by Abby every day or so online. Many of the original posts are rewritten in a more elegant form.

Less, because many minor posts are omitted entirely or incorporated into other material. It’s not quite the “This is how I felt today, warts and all” writing of the blog.

But, unmistakably Abby Lee. There is no getting away from the constant rumble of sex thoughts through her mind and out into her blog. She glances at a guy and she’s imagining him stripped, erect, inches from her face. Or her pussy. And then she’s feeling him inside, and we’re along for the ride, while her fingers are busy down below.

This woman masturbates at the drop of a hat. She’s always ducking into the bathroom for a quick rub. Or working at herself under the table. Or on a train or a plane.

Her panties are always damp.

No wonder that some of her readers thought she was a man. Women don’t think about sex – and act on it – quite so much as Abby.

Or do they?

Zoe’s female. This book saw her exposed in national newspapers, and after a fair bit of trauma, with paparazzi camped outside her house etc. etc. she accepted the outing and is now a frequent sight on television, at conferences, in photographs. We’re awaiting the movie with keen interest.

As a book, it gets just a teensy bit repetitive. Bridget Jones’ Diary this ain’t. But it remains compelling reading to see how she copes with her powerlust. In the end, there’s a bit of a twist. Sex isn’t everything, we discover.

As a book of the blog, it’s a tangy, tasty serve of the website. You can almost feel the slickness begin as she has an evening out with some handsome hero. As a guy, I know what he’s thinking, and as a reader you know what she’s thinking, and you wonder why they bother with the wine and the small talk. That sexual flash in the eyes and she should be pulling him into the bedroom to get it over with!

Ah, but that would be getting to the climax all too soon, and the foreplay is half the fun. There’s a LOT of foreplay in this book. A lot of steamy thoughts, a lot of sex and a lot of fun.

Highly recommended. Don’t take it on a long plane flight, though. The little old lady in the seat beside you will try to sneak glances at the pages to see what is making you sweat and fidget, and you’ll be whipping off to the can for some relief, long before landing. If the cabin crew aren’t wary, they’ll be dragged in for an impromptu Mile-High Club membership.

Right. On that note, I’m shipping this book off to Grl, last heard from somewhere east of Tulsa.

–Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. Girl With a One-Track Mind
2. FunkyBrownChick
3. “Bonk” by Mary Roach

Guy sez: I spotted a headline the other day: Teen has Boob Job! Yes, it was the sort of magazine that aims to catch the eye. The story talked about a sixteen year old girl having breast augmentation surgery.

Is this crazy or what?

It is actually rather common, I find. In every sense of the word. Perhaps the most visible example was model Alicia Douvall, whose daughter, then twelve, wanted an iPhone and bigger breasts for her 13th birthday. Alicia, who at that point had undergone 14 breast operations, declared that her daughter wait until she was sixteen before she would consent. It didn’t stop her calling in the photographers for a tasteful round of mother and daughter snaps. And again when daughter Georgia changed her name to Destiny, believing it would help her modelling career.

Links to stories and photographs of doctored breasts here and doctored photographs of breasts here.

Well, I guess people can do what they want with their bodies, and I’m as much a fan of the perfect breast as the next man, but these stories leave a sad taste in my mouth.

In my male opinion, the breasts women have at sixteen are usually the ones they want at twenty-six. And thirty-six. And forty-six.

It doesn’t really get much better than sixteen. Gravity, sun, babies and just plain aging take their toll as life inexorably proceeds. The wrinkled, empty, droopy, stretch-marked, blotched breasts of the senior citizen await all.

And, though I’ll probably be hurled straight out of the “Members Only” entrance to the Penis Club for saying this, this guy doesn’t care all that much.

Despite what the glamor mags say, women are not their boobs. Nor any other part of their anatomy. I think that the sexiest part of a woman is her…

Love that smile!

…smile.

Give me a lady with a sense of humor, a genuine smile, a loving heart and eyes that sparkle, and I won’t worry too much what she looks like under the covers.

This is not to say that I don’t go all weak above the knees when a big-bosomed waitress leans low over the table to serve me a slender latte. She knows exactly where my eyes are fixed and why I’m unable to talk or breathe or do anything but drool as my gaze is drawn irresistibly down her cleavage.

It’s the way we men are wired, okay? It’s somewhere down there in my brain between the lizard cortex and the caveman lobe.

Women know this all too well. It’s why, when you think about it, cosmetic surgery is rather like choosing a style of clothing. Like fashion. “Breasts are pointy this season.”

In the end, it’s up to the wearer. Having a sweet pair must make a woman feel good. Hang on to them as long as possible, is my advice. Support those babies. Cosmetic surgery if you must, but it’s not going to fool anyone too long, if fooling is your game.

Unless it’s breast reduction surgery. If your address is 38D Braberry Lane and you’re still a teenager, then maybe it’s worth dropping a size or two, to save the strain on chest and shoulders, keep gravity at bay, and increase the number of men able to look you in the eye.

If I must give an opinion, it’s for quality over quantity. As a close friend of mine observes, “anything you can’t fit in your mouth is wasted.”

Halloween video – with pumpkins

This woman is gorgeous! But those jugs have got to be giving her gallons of grief. In my humble opinion, she would be every bit as vivacious and attractive if she were an A cup rather than LL. Yeah, she wouldn’t be quite the blinding beauty in that Marilyn Monroe dress, but she’d select something different, something more suited to her ittie-bitties.

Perhaps my co-writers have different opinions. I’m outvoted, gender-wise, these days, and really, what business does a guy have telling women how to wear their bodies?

–Guy Sez

Video report: breast surgery for graduation

Grl sez: I’m actually with you on this one. Mostly. There’s a few reasons I can think of for having a boob job – breast cancer for one. Or if you genuinely aren’t happy with the size of your breasts – it’s hard for me to imagine! I think mine are the perfect size, for me anyway. I guess that’s the point really.

The issue I have with increasing your breast size is when people think having bigger breasts is going to make them happier – I suppose in some cases they would, but when people want them because they think they will make them more popular/cooler/etc etc etc, that (for me anyway) is a concern.

Like what Guy said – it’s who you are and how you show it that makes you popular/cool etc. This is so true. People tell me I have a nice smile, and I like to think that this is reflective of my personality, not the actual physical smile!

But, on the other hand, there are always situations where it makes perfect sense – not that I can think of any right now, but if you were to put a sensible argument to me, I’m fairly sure I could be persuaded otherwise!

Related posts:

1. Blue, she said
2. That spot
3. In the Hot Seat: Guysezual of mygfsez.com

FunkyBrownChick.com

• Blog Name: FunkyBrownChick
• Type: Lifestyle
• Level: Spicey
• Author: Twanna A Hines
• Location: New York City
• First Post: June 21, 2005
• Popularity: “On a good day, upwards of 3,000+ people visit this site. Funky Brown Chick isn’t huge. It isn’t extremely tiny either.”
• Platform: WordPress

My name is Twanna and I own Funky Brown Chick.
All rights reserved. So, please, don’t be a dick.

Guy Sez: You gotta love someone with a copyright notice like that one!

Perhaps the best introduction is FunkyBrownChick’s own words in her first post:

let’s see … this is the first entry so i should probably tell you more about myself. i’m somewhat new to new york, but i’m used to big cities. i’m black; hence, the “brown” in funky brown chick. i’m single and dating so you’ll get to read about all of the crazy stories from my 30-something love-less life. i could write more, but i’m sure we’ll come to know each other better with time. best not to rush these things.

Twanna A Hines, Funky Brown Chick – photo by Bill Wadman

Twanna maintains another site at twannahines.com – a site unlike any other I’ve seen. More than a Twitter feed, less than a blog, it’s a net-bite series of snapshots of her life. The more I read of Twanna, the more impressed I am. You don’t expect deep insights from a sexblogger, usually more noted for erotic entertainment than analysis and philosophy, but here in the Huffington Post she sticks it to Steven Levitt, author of Freakonomics. Then again, she has two degrees – a BS and an MA.

A self-described sexpot, she looks good enough to eat. Her chocolate skin has sent any number of delicious thoughts scampering through my hungry mind.

She gives good blog. Well written, entertaining, punchy. Not heavy on the explicit details, but she doesn’t pull her punches – if she is sleeping with someone, she sez so. It’s more a relationship blog than a sex blog; presumably you know what to do once you’re in bed together, you don’t need to be told who put what where and how many strokes per second.

There’s a “Best of First Year” post here. Even better, there’s a “Worst of…” post the very next day. Twanna doesn’t take herself too seriously! There’s a few broken links, due to a platform change or two from Blogger to Wordpress and one domain to another, but it’s not too hard to find the original posts. Better yet, just read the whole first year, skimming if you wish. Her posts aren’t long. Then read the second, third, fourth and fifth years! It’s all good.

If I have a criticism at all, it’s that the blog looks very “busy” on the page. There’s a lot going on, with advertising from various sources, an archive list as long as a short arm, a category list likewise, the posts themselves, and other bits and pieces all over. Then again, blogs that are solid slabs of text turn me off.

Twanna began blogging under the pseudonym Stollie (for Stolichnaya vodka) but gave that up after a while. She’s not the sort of person who works well with deception. She’s genuine, honest, upfront. You get a good flavor in an online interview at Clutch Magazine:

Best part about being FBC is that it’s me %100. Whether I’m church, with my friends or at work, I am Twanna Hines, Funky Brown Chick.

Twanna’s interest is in men. Young, sexy, exciting, often with a foreign accent. She has regular testosterone-based posts. Manly Mondays, Testicle Tuesdays and – sigh – Wanker Wednesdays.  I must admit to a certain level of fascination. Who will be the next man in her sights? Will she date him? How will it turn out?

Not just men and relationships, of course. For any single woman (or man) aiming to live in New York City, this blog is your homework. Native New Yorkers will have it in their genes, but Twanna moved to NYC from Chicago five years ago, and she has seen it all from an outside perspective. More outside than Chicago, actually – she’s lived here and there around the world and has insights and experience that put the frosting on top.

Sometimes her life reads a little like the script for a television series. Sexie in the City, maybe. She’s always got something on her plate, from heavy-duty writing workshops to interracial dating. There’s the flavor of an active metropolitan lifestyle. Twanna’s not writing for the sake of filling up blog pages – she’s taking time out from an actual life to fill us in on things interesting and thoughtful, entertaining and stimulating, fun and funky.

Which makes the titbits about her book all the more teasing. She’s working on the book of the blog, and unlike others I’ve seen, this won’t be just the pick of the website bound and gagged, this will have new material and a theme. Perhaps like Melissa Plaut’s Hack, where the Jewish Lesbian NYC night cabbie’s blog was transformed into a book that was edgier, more personal, more comprehensive, more coherent than the blog had ever been.

Looking forward to reviewing the book. In the meantime, Twanna’s blog has become one of my must-reads. Highly recommended for a smart, funny, literate woman’s view of life, the Big Apple, and the world.

–Guy Sez

Bonus video: FunkyBrownChick and Girl With a One-Track Mind talking at SXSW

Related posts:

1. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
2. Girl With a One-Track Mind

Cartoon by xkcd

The elusive erotic zone said to exist in some women may be a myth, say researchers who have hunted for it. – BBC

He sez: Lookin’ for it is as much fun as findin’ it.

So I’m reliably informed, anyway. I can report the personal discovery of a textured area just inside and up a bit, in the location they say it should be. Sex marks the spot, maybe. But, well, it’s all fun terrain in there, and hard to say if one bit is funnier than the next. Especially from my male point of view. Maybe I should hand over to uh, my fellow researcher, for a female perspective.

But before I put her on the spot, as it were, let’s recap:

The location in question was first described by a Teutonic doctor – relocated to New York to escape Jewish persecution in his homeland – in 1950, when he was 69 years old, sez the ever-reliable Wikipedia. A celebrated career of intimate examination of the female sexual areas, backed up by frank discussion with his patients, led him to form the opinion that just inside a lady’s love tunnel lay an area that, when stimulated, resulted in more intense climaxes than clitoral stimulation. He was also excited by the idea that this spot was the source of “female ejaculation”, a liquid rush at the moment of climax.

A female prostate, as it were.

The spot was named after the doctor in 1981, well after he had passed on, and the 1980s were notable for a rush of popular literature devoted to the search for the spot, and what to do with it once found. Lick it, stick it or pick it, went the debate at dinner parties of the tackier kind. I remember them well.

Or prick it and nick it, in the case of some women who underwent biopsies in studies to map the distribution of nervous tissue in that area. What induced them to participate in such an experiment we don’t know.

Whatever, the results of three decades of exhaustive scientific research have been inconclusive. The problem is that much of the evidence is anecdotal, with small sample sizes. One inspired study, a dream job if ever there was one, involved 900 pairs of identical twins who were prevailed upon to point out the location of the spot to hardened scientists. Identical twins = identical spots, went the theory, but alas, only 56% provided identical answers.

Maybe the procedure needed work. No matter how you positioned the mirror, it would have to be a difficult task with a white pointer in the pink bits to indicate the exact location. Or if you relied on an assistant to touch various spots – “Here? What about here? Or over here? Down a bit, maybe? Is it nicer here or there? Well, what about if I wobble this bit?” – there would have to be a certain amount of imprecision, especially if the assistant employed a pen or spatula or thumb instead of whatever the subject normally employed for stimulation. If it were me, faced with a pair of identical twin ladies, I’d be inclined to tickle. And snicker.

G-Spot, courtesy Google Maps and violet blue

In the end, scientists are prone to debate. The involvement of well-meant folk who surmised that women who couldn’t find their spots would feel inadequate beside their better-endowed sisters sent the discussion in a different direction. And, I must admit that this point has merit. Women face the beauty literature every day. The ideal shape, the ideal face, the ideal breasts. And now, the ultimate sex parts. No woman is ever perfect, if you rely on the tracts found on the news-stand racks.

Me, I think it’s all hokum. Just how am I, as a man, supposed to stimulate this notional spot? My anatomy has the knobs and bumps in other areas. Am I supposed to slip in a pinky as well as a porky to press the point?

For self-stimulation, the ever-popular rabbit-ear vibrator has any number of lumps and bumps, but the intention seems to be to fill the void and buzz the bean, rather than hit the spot.

I’m done speculatin’. I’ll hand the topic over to my partner, for a female point of view.

She sez: Does it really exist?

Someone who might know is local sex goddess/guru violet blue. In the introduction to her book on the G-Spot, she sez:

That’s why I had to write this g-spot guide for smart girls like me. There are way, way too many guys online who think that watching porn or reading other people’s websites gives them the knowledge to spout off about what is and isn’t up with the g-spot and female ejaculation — often getting facts wrong in horrifyingly shaming ways. And the books out there were either piecemeal, dated, or intended an audience of women who wanted a spiritual experience — when all I wanted was to figure out how to get off.

Resources

• violet blue’s gspot resource guide, complete with Find-it-Yourself illustrations and hints.
• Wikipedia’s article on the G-Spot, written by geeks.

A fresh look at the G-Spot – photo by Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. “Bonk” by Mary Roach
2. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
3. In the Hot Seat: Guysezual of mygfsez.com

Caution. Seamen inside. – photo by Abejo

For guys:
Start erect. Hold foreskin between thumb and fingers, move rapidly up and down over ridge of glans. Lewd thoughts speed climax even more. Aim ejaculate into sock.

For girls:
Remove all clothing, slowly, enjoying the feel of your silken undergarments sliding over your willing skin. Socks are optional, but give your toes a treat, too. Look at those ten little piggies wiggling happily. Look at the rest of yourself, concentrating on the nipples as they grow harder, crinkling up in excitement. You can’t see any other good bits, don’t bother.

Your body is beautiful. Run your fingers lightly along your neck, your sides, your arms. Feel your skin. Enjoy the sensation, enjoy your hair whisking over neck, shoulders, ears. Now is the time to give all those under-appreciated parts of your body a touch. Just to let them know you’re thinking of them, and if it weren’t for your elbows, you’d be Barbie.

Your fingers slide gently onto the rounded curves of your breasts. Both hands needed here. There’s a lot of skin to cover. Take your time. Stroke the sensitive edges, climbing the sweet hillocks, working, gliding your way into the centres. Feel the crinkled skin of your nipples. Feel the tenderness of your aureoles. Take a look down, they are changing color, even as you watch and toy with them.

Glide your fingers over your whole chest, taking in your breasts in passing. Maybe you’re imagining someone’s body on yours, maybe you are just enjoying the relaxing feel of your own. And you are relaxing. You can feel tensions ebbing away, the cares of the everyday world disappearing as you focus on your own self, your own body, your own sensations.

Move your hands downwards. Tease yourself. Caress your belly, your flanks. Don’t hurry. You can feel a different, enjoyable tension growing somewhere inside. And, how often do you get to stroke your stomach, anyhow? It’s not like you do it as part of your normal work day. It’s not like anyone else does it for you. Nobody cute. Nobody tall and handsome. Or short and cuddly. Not normally.

Maybe your fingers encounter a curl of hair as they sweep along the lower regions of your belly. Maybe they don’t. Maybe your fingers slide down onto your legs. Maybe you feel your thighs, your calves, those cute little piggies you admired earlier.

You’ll know when you’re ready.

And when you’re ready, leave it a while longer. One hand for your breasts, the other softly fondling the tops of your thighs, the creases leading up to your hips, the gentle mound in the middle. Take your time.

Feel your soft girl curls against your hand. There’s a special feeling there. A thrill. A promise.

Move your hand in closer. Maybe bring the other one down, feeling the triangle of your sex, feeling the gentle curves of that rounded mound in the middle, feeling underneath, cupping it in your hand, being a little rough here, rubbing it on the outside, feeling the response inside.

Both hands here. Spread your thighs a little, one hand on each side, stroking the soft skin inside, the coarser skin in the middle, the surprising smoothness of the very centre as you part your lips and the forceful movements become tender, soft.

Get the stroke right – photo by Nevit

You may need a little moisture now. If you’ve taken your time, there may be some immediately available, just slide a finger inside.

Oherwise a bit of saliva will do the trick. Your clitoris will likely be too sensitive for direct, dry touching. It’s the same reason guys don’t wrap their hands directly onto the knob – they want that intervening foreskin to cushion the strokes.

Apply your moisture, use one or two fingers to the folds of skin around the shining bean of your clitoris, gently, slowly stroking and sliding. Use the other hand to fondle around. Experiment. You’ll know what feels good. Maybe, if you are built that way, you can slide one of your nipples into your mouth, nibbling, kissing, tonguing.

Take your time. You’re building up to something big here.

You’re building a rhythm. You’re touching, vibrating, jiggling your best bits. You can keep this going for a while. It’s all good.

After a while, you can slide one, maybe two fingers inside. You should be nice and damp by now. The focus is on your clitoris, but it’s good to have the sensation of something inside. Fingers, a toy, a cucumber…

This is where you can decide for yourself if the G-spot is real or not. It’s just inside, on the clitoris side of the inside. An area of ridged skin. Even if it’s all a myth, it’s fun to explore, fun to fondle.

The rest is rhythm. Salacious thoughts and images may be useful here. Thinking about sex with a willing partner. Whatever fantasy works, now is the time to be run it through your mind’s eye. Your mind’s tongue, your mind’s vagina.

Find a rhythm that works and stick to it. You’ll know exactly what is working, what is good, what is helping you reach a climx.

You’ll feel the edge approaching. Just keep up whatever brought you there, maybe speed up a little and you’ll go sliding over.

Your whole body will become focussed down to a tiny point of pleasure, growing swelling, exploding, pulse after pulse after glorious pulse.

Keep on the pressure, press hard. Any movement now should be directed inward, pressing where the pleasure is.

And then you’re over, gentle strokes here and there, curl up in a ball, tuck the blankets between your knees, just enjoy that afterglow.

For guys and girls: Wash your hands afterwards. A shower would be good. The smell of sex lingers on your fingers.

Resources

Male Masturbation Techniques – Blog with videos and finely detailed notes on technique.

Intimate Moments – girls masturbating.

Related posts:

1. In the Hot Seat: Guysezual of mygfsez.com
2. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
3. That spot

• Blog Name: Girl With a One-Track Mind
• Type: Sexual adventures
• Level: Explicit description
• Author: Zoe Margolis AKA Abby Lee
• Location: London
• First Post: January 1, 2004
• Popularity: “more than 7 million readers over the last five years and now averages 150,000 unique visitors a month.”
• Awards: “won the Bloggie Award for Best British/Irish Weblog in both 2006 and 2007 and the Observer newspaper recently ranked it at number 24 in their Top 50 Most Powerful Blogs in the World list.”
• Platform: Blogger/Blogspot

Guy Sez: If the measure of success of a blog is overflow into the mainstream, via a book or even a movie, then sex blog Girl With a One-Track Mind has made the grade. One book has already been published, with a follow-up shortly to be released, detailing events after the blog’s author was “outed” by a newspaper. There’s talk of a screenplay.

Beginning in January 2004, Abby (as Zoe then called herself for the sake of anonymity) posted on a daily basis about how she thought of nothing else but sexual fantasies. And how (several times a day) she acted on those fantasies:

I am playing three times a day (and I am not pre-menstrual). And shortly after I’ve had a fiddle, I am thinking about the next one. My underwear seems to be in a semi-permanent state of dampness right now…

And no, she’s not talking about a musical instrument here. She’s got a one-track mind, right enough!

The whole point of the blog is that this is normal. She notes:

I think about sex constantly. The thing about guys and it being on their minds every 8 seconds – I have one question: what about the other 7?! I certainly know what I am thinking about during those…

From my (guy) point of view, what she describes is quite normal for a young man: thinking about the women in his life, his schoolroom or workplace, on the street… Checking them out, mentally stripping them off, fantasizing about having sex with them. And yes, masturbating a few times each day. Good to see a girl running along the same tracks…

But no, it’s not all fantasy. Here, let me repost some of Abby’s “That was the year that was” review listing for her first year as a sexblog-goddess:

• Discovering how a man can get a great blowjob from a vacuum cleaner
• 20 things I have in common with men
• My experience as a woman in film
• Mutually masturbating while driving
• Finally giving it a try with a new guy
• The end of my anal virginity
• On fisting myself
• Fucking with fruit
• How to have a Fuck Buddy
• At home alone: twice the pleasure
• Having 20+ orgasms in one night
• On Bully Wanks
• Cyber sex with a copper
• Cock size doesn’t matter
• Shopping for sex toys
• The art of silent wanking

For the record, other “year in review” posts are here and here. Abby’s personal favorite posts are compelling reading indeed. Not that her normal, everyday efforts should be skipped over.

The book of the blog

In 2006, everything changed. Twice over. To begin with, she wrote a book based on her blog, and had it published. She shares the news with her readers here. Fabulous success! The book of the blog is a best-seller, gains critical acclaim, is translated into fifteen languages, and Abby is the name on everyone’s lips. The downside was that, a few days after publication, she was outed.

God. Can you just imagine the shock and dismay? All these unbelievably intimate descriptions of sex, masturbation, fantasies, comments on friends, family and acquaintances, all posted behind the shield of web-anonymity. And suddenly, you are exposed in a national newspaper. Everyone who has ever known you is going to be able to read the blog or buy the book to discover your deepest darkest secrets. The things that happened behind closed doors and the thoughts that were safely locked away. Every last detail of your most private life out in the open.

The effect on Zoe (as Abby now had to call herself) was devastating. But, she coped. The blog immediately became a lot less sizzling and personal, though posts regained some of their savor  over time. And, despite the blog changing flavor and direction, it became no less compelling. With Zoe now a public figure, opportunities opened up. She travelled more, spoke at international conferences, appeared on television shows, and wrote another book.

The second book, Girl with a One Track Mind: Exposed – Further Revelations of a Sex Blogger, is set for publication in March 2010. As a blogger with current readership measured on the fingers of one hand – sorry, the other one’s self-employed – this is going to be inspiring reading. Not just a sex blog, Girl With a One-Track Mind is now a success blog.

At the time of writing (January 2010), the blog’s latest post is well over a month old. Zoe describes a threesome encounter with two men, and the morning after, she shares breakfast with her flatmate:

“So what’s next?” he asked me, as we got stuck in to our fry-up. “Where does The Girl go from here?”

“You know what?” I replied. “I’m happy now. I’ve done what I’ve always wanted; I’ve finally ticked the biggest box on my To-do list. I’m ready to settle down and get married.”

He raised his coffee cup in a mock toast and I did the same. And as I ate my bacon and eggs, I was aware that I was unable to stop smiling.

That sounds like an exit line to me. It’s hard to imagine Zoe keeping up the standard without a very understanding partner. A big part of her appeal was the many and varied men (and women) in her life on what was often a daily basis. With only three posts in five months, it’s probably safe to say that this blog is no longer her top priority. However, there are five years worth of sizzling archives to enjoy. Not to mention two books and possibly a movie.

–Guy Sez

Bonus video: Zoe and FunkyBrownChick at South by Southwest

Zoe Sez (via email): Hi Guy,

Thanks for dropping me an email, I appreciate your doing that. Thanks also for the very nice review – most kind of you!

Your blog looks very professional, has great design, and good content: I wish you all the best with it.

Kind regards,

Zoe/Abby

Guy Sez: Thanks, Zoe! A kind word from a popular and passionate blogger means the world to Grl and I. We’ve got your books on order – reviews will follow in due course. –Guy Sez

Related posts:

1. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
2. FunkyBrownChick
3. Coming soon…

Grl sez: Heh, I’ve got iTunes on random, right now I’m listening to Slumdog Millionaire

Guy sez: Quiz show theme. I like it! Are you ready for the first round?

Grl sez: Woohoo bring it on! Shall I take us up to my bedroom?

Guy sez: Let me just tie you into the Hot Seat, here.  Unpack the secret box of interesting stuff.  Reach in for the first question…

Grl sez: Shall I take some clothes off first?

Guy sez: Only if you turn on the webcam…

Grl sez: All’s fair in love and war right?

Guy sez: Right. My first question! It’s an easy one. How old are you?

Grl sez: I’m in the mid 20s… young enough to still be cool and old enough to have some fun with it!

Guy sez: OK. You’re cool, icicles dripping off your nose. But what about orientation?

Grl sez: Haven’t you read my bio! I like (in alphabetical order) bagels, boys, chocolate, and girls…..especially blueberry bagels :p

Guy sez: I’m not as keen on b-words as you.

Grl sez: Not even the pumpkin ones?

Guy sez: Maybe pumpkin bagels are extra special. Haven’t tried one yet. Maybe next Halloween. Now that you’ve mentioned food, let me just reach in and see what we’ve got in the way of foodstuffs. Mangoes, root beer, peanut butter…

Grl sez: You can throw the root beer out thanks! Foul stuff!

Guy sez: Leaving out healthy diet aspects, if you could cover your lover’s body with something edible so you could lick it off, what would you choose?

Grl sez: That’s not hard….gotta go with the Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup…heaven in a bottle that stuff is!

Guy sez: I’ve just ordered an 8 pound can up from the Marina Safeway. I have everything else right here in the box. Chains, batteries, watermelon…

On that note, when you’re by yourself, just thinking quietly, hands nowhere in particular, what’s your favorite fantasy?

Grl sez: Hmmm, it changes fairly frequently Right now I’m loving imagining you tied up and covered in syrup…with Orlando Bloom….or Abby from NCIS…I’m easy!

Guy sez: Wow – I’m part of a double act, maybe a threesome, running through the good bits of your mind. With syrup footprints. Oh wait, no. You’ve tied me up. While Orlando Bloom has his way with you. You fiend!

Grl sez: Well at least I’m letting you watch…I could’ve had you blindfolded as well!

Guy sez: Your first love?

Grl sez: My first love would be Ben…I was a pretty tragic teenager and my best friend had to ask him out for me, while I hid behind a tennis raquet…we dated for a while but eventually realised neither of us were madly in love and would rather just be friends…and we’re still friends now..nothing big happened, a bit of kissing at best!

First real love….now that is a seriously tragic story! We’d been friends for a while after he helped get me through a tough patch in my life and then I fell madly in love with him after he shared a whole lot of his favourite music with me, after listening to What About Now by Daughtry over and over and over and over I realised just how in love with him I was….being in love with him was amazing, made me feel like I was full to bursting with joy, all the time. Sadly a whole lot of shit happened and we both changed and it ended fairly suddenly with him totally breaking my heart. It was worth it though, and I miss feeling that way about someone sometimes (not that I don’t love you to bits Guy!).

My first girl love was a girl I met while I was traveling. There’s a lot I regret not doing with her, but it was hard being on the move so much, and her job kept her working insane hours. Eventually, just before I came home, she told me she’d rather just be friends (which is fair enough, long distance is always difficult), but I still enjoy flirting with her a lot, and I miss her like crazy sometimes!

Guy sez: “Being in love is amazing, makes me feel full to bursting with joy, all the time.”

Isn’t it, just? I feel bubbly and bouncy and the world is bright.

Kind of hard to go on with my list of prepared questions, trying to get some of the sordid details, but here we go.

Have you ever masturbated in front of someone? Have you ever watched someone masturbate?

Grl sez: Yes for the first one, but I don’t *think* I’ve ever watched someone else…and (for the first one again) when he asked me if I was masturbating I got really embarrassed and told him no….that relationship was really awkward! Not exactly sure why I decided to go out with him!

Guy sez: Picking up on something you said earlier, do you have a favorite song for making love?

Grl sez: Nothing really springs to mind, but I like the idea of making love to Everybody by Sister Hazel!

Guy sez: Ah. Sister Hazel. Florida isn’t just oranges and Disney, you know. I love their latest album. Release. Sounds exactly the thing for making love! “Comes a release…”

Grl sez: Heh, me too <3

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of it in that way too!

Vacation Rain would be nice too…

Guy sez: Heh. They’ve got some good lines. There’s one about “…the taste of your tongue…” and I never kiss nowadays without sneaking in a little taste. You’re probably kind of chocolatey right now…

On the flip side – and you are probably too young to know about flip sides, it’s all CDs and MP3s nowadays, never a good honest piece of vinyl – what’s your preferred music after a relationship has ended? Your favorite comfort music. Barbra Streisand, maybe?

Grl sez: Depends on what kind of mood I’m in….if I just feel like crying then I like to listen to things like Tonight I Wanna Cry (Keith Urban), Carry Me Home (James Blunt), Best I’ll Ever Be (Sister Hazel), a cd I got given a few birthdays/christmas ago of an Australian Aboriginal singer Gurrumul (Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu), some R.E.M., some of the Lord of the Rings tracks, some Jack Johnson…that kind of thing.

If I’m mad then I’ll put on Life Got In The Way (more Sister Hazel, I’m a bit of Hazelnut!), Affirmation (Savage Garden), Nickelback sometimes…

If I’m just contemplative then I like Bernard Fanning’s Tea & Sympathy…

Guy sez: Music to avoid when hanging out with Grl, readers!

Ok, I kind of got carried away when you asked me this question. Let’s see where it leads us today. If you had to select just one moment with a lover to remember forever, which one would it be?

Grl sez: *thinking* being woken up s-l-o-w-l-y (just how I like!) by being stroked was amazing. Or falling asleep in my lover’s arms the night before. Even if his legs were cold!

Or the first time I had chat sex – that was mindblowingly good! Does that count? Even if my lover wasn’t physically there he was mentally present!

I think I’m going to go with the chat sex one…wow that was good!

Guy sez: Well, that takes care of the question I was going to ask you. You must be a mindreader. They didn’t have chatsex when I was a boy, it was all punchcards and mainframes.

Who was the lucky boy?

Grl sez: Man thank you very much! That was with my first real love….Thomas (he was a lot of fun!)

Guy sez: Right. Moving along here, looking at some of the things I’ve got in the interview box, do you have a favorite sex toy?

Grl sez: Favourite sex toy….no, I’m sadly uninitiated as yet! I’m still a bit shy at heart sometimes! Easily embarrassed….although I suspect that will change. So I’ll have to get back to you on that one…

Although I do have a rather attractive stuffed zebra toy that can be fun to play with

Guy sez: Oh well, I won’t bother asking about household appliances…

Free time here. Anything you want to get off your chest before I put the final question to you?

Grl sez: Can I get you under my chest instead

Guy sez: I thought you’d never ask! Here, let me just grab some of that freshly delivered Hershey’s sauce – Marina Safeway, ladies and gentlemen, the best supermarket in the world – and get stuck in.

But before we vanish under the covers, do you have just one line to leave our readers with?

Grl sez: I’m not sure chocolate syrup under covers is a good idea…are *you* going to clean up afterwards or leave it all to me!

Guy sez: I’m going to lick it all up! Hunt down every last luscious drop.

Grl sez: My line is: “you never know when love’s going to hit, so may as well have some fun while you wait!”

Guy sez: OK, that’s a wrap. Getting a little sticky here. Uh. Is that mike still live?

Grl sez: No comment!

Related posts:

1. In the Hot Seat: Guysezual of mygfsez.com
2. Why Sister Hazel rocks!

Grl Sez:

Guy Sez: I’m in the middle ages. Grew up in the Sixties and Seventies. Finding the 21st Century rather a challenge, but fun.

Grl Sez: Heh. Orientation?

Guy Sez: Straight. I like women. They turn me on. I have been known to hug guys, but they do nothing for me sexually. Once, a very long time ago, I sucked a dick. Experimenting, I guess. But never since.

It’s women for me. I love everything about them. Their shape, the way they smile, the way they have a female smell about them. Everything.

I might admire a well built guy, on an aesthetic basis, but when a woman smiles at me, the juices begin flowing. I can’t help it.

Grl Sez: If you could cover your lover’s body with something edible so you could lick it off, what would you choose? (Assuming you weren’t watching your figure or anything!)

Guy Sez: Oh boy, I should have seen this one coming! Showing my age again here. There’s a scene in Apocalypse Now where one of the characters is fantasizing about covering Raquel Welch with mangoes and cream and licking it off her body.

That’d be me. I like mangoes, and I could pulp them up, smear them all over her – all over her ripe mangoes – and swirl cream on and just go hogwild, licking and sucking and making a sticky meal of it all. That would be a dessert to remember!

Grl Sez: If you had to choose one moment with a lover from the past you’ll remember forever, what would it be?

Guy Sez: If I may, I’ll take two moments.

Grl Sez: Only if I get a favor later

Guy Sez: I’ll make it one to remember.

First was back in the Seventies. I had a girlfriend, and it was the first time we’d gone out. To a toga party, which were big in those days. She’d actually come along with a friend of mine, and I kind of stole her off him, which strained the friendship a little.

Somehow I got to fondling her enormous breasts, which we both enjoyed…

Grl Sez: mmmmm breasts *drool*

Guy Sez: Turning the interviewer on?

Grl Sez: Maybe just a little

Guy Sez: …and we found a private area outside, away from the action. She was wearing a swimsuit under her toga, and I rolled it down. Another friend came around the corner at that moment, and he told me later that the sight of those enormous melons gleaming free in the moonlight was something he’d never forget.

We chased him off by throwing rocks at him…

Grl Sez: LOL! Such a boy!

Guy Sez:…and I worked my way down. Lifted up her toga and pushed the strip of her bathing suit crotch aside. And there it was. Now I wasn’t a virgin, but this was the first time I’d seen the thing up real close, right under my nose. I kissed it, kissed those sweet lips, stuck my tongue in. Oh, but it was a moment to savor!

Second moment came years later. Another kiss. Another girlfriend. The start of a new relationship. She drove up, wound the window down to say hello. I leaned in the window and kissed her full on the lips.

It was the unexpectedness of it, the thrill, the excitement that I remember. I couldn’t believe it. I’d kissed someone and she’d smiled back at me. I wanted to sing, dance, shout out for the joy of it.

There’s another moment…

Grl Sez: Geez. Now you’re taking advantage.

Guy Sez: A combination of many moments. Just standing, or sitting, or lying with my lover. Just being close. Together. That’s what I like best. The love, the closeness, the intimacy.

Grl Sez: Tell us about sucking dick…What was it like? Did you enjoy it even a little bit?

Guy Sez: Ah, I was wondering if you’d pick up on that.

Grl Sez: Yeah. I just had to think of a good question

Guy Sez: And you said you knew it all…

Grl Sez: I do know everything, but when you know everything it can take a while to process :b

Guy Sez: It wasn’t unpleasant. It didn’t drill right into the sex centres of my brain, or even the taste buds. Just something, smooth and salty to suck on. And that was it.

Grl Sez: Just a salty lollypop then? :p

Guy Sez: Yeah. suck it down to the stick. We didn’t go all the way to the bitter end, as it were. Just youthful experimentation.

Grl Sez: Are you still friends/acquaintances with the lucky guy?

Guy Sez: As it happens, I see him from time to time. We’re close friends.

Not that close.

Grl Sez: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever asked someone to do for you?

Guy Sez: Well, there was this girlfriend who pulled a tick out of my dick…

Nothing too strange, really. Had a girlfriend once, and I got her to tie me up with some of her pantyhose. Stripped me off and tied my feet and hands to the legs of the bed so I was helpless. And loving it.

Grl Sez: What did she do after tying you up?

Guy Sez: She got a feather and tickled me here and there.

And here again.

And again.

And then she mounted me. That was fun. But after a bit she realised that I wasn’t fully able to participate, and she untied my hands.

So I leaned down and untied my feet and ravished her most brutally. Which she seemed to enjoy.

Grl Sez: What’s your favorite place to be touched?

Guy Sez: I like my feet to be stroked. Gently. And my flanks, along up the rib cage. I just melt.

Grl Sez: And do you have a favorite place to touch your lover?

Guy Sez: I’m an enthusiastic amateur masseur. Everywhere on my lover’s body is good. It’s the feel of her skin under my hands, the knowledge that I’m handing out pleasure with every stroke. But yeah, I have to admit that I like kneading my way up the inside of her thighs, hearing her sigh ever so gently as I feel the first light touch of pubic hair against the back of my hands. Tracing the contours of her sex, those triangular shapes – that’s always nice.

Grl Sez: Is there anything that is guaranteed to turn you on?

Guy Sez: Yeah. wear a low-cut top and bend over in front of me. Smile and, wham, instant erection! I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. Unable to stand up.

Grl Sez: Ordering just one more doughnut…

Have you ever had a one night stand?

Guy Sez: A couple along the way. Though I’ll qualify the description, because they weren’t total one-night meet, screw, run events. In both cases I knew the women before and after, but it was just sex for one night.

In the first case, I once went back to her place for more, but she didn’t want it, and in the second case, she came back for a quick rematch, but I didn’t want it. I’d just gotten back together with the woman I later married, and I didn’t think I could handle two relationships at a time.

Grl Sez: Tell us about your first love.

Guy Sez: I’m wondering if that’s a euphemism.

Her name was Lee, and she had brown hair in a ponytail, small breasts and a trim figure. She was beautiful. Clever, caring, chic. In comparison to me, the high school klutz. We shared senior French class, and that was toujours la high point du jour.

I used to send her thought messages across the room. Lee, je t’aime grandtemps, je voudrais suck ton nipples s’il te plait. And across the city from my teenage bed. I don’t think she ever noticed.

Grl Sez: Have you ever masturbated in front of someone? Have you ever watched someone masturbate?

Guy Sez: Back seat of the Greyhound bringing a friend and I back home from a nude beach where we’d camped out for a few days. I guess he was feeling randy, because he suggested a competition, which he won handily. I struggled on for ten minutes or so alone, coming a distant second.

As an aside, watching the other sex masturbate is a great learning experience. Guys, in particular, can understand a lot about how to make love by watching a woman pleasure herself. Don’t go directly for the clitoris; start at the extremities, work your way in, and any time spent on stroking and licking breasts is pure gold.

On that note, there’s a website that’s devoted to that sort of thing. Girls working themselves up to a climax. Amazing footage. Totally authentic. They just recruit women, offer them bundles of money, and film them touching themselves. Sometimes they do two or three together. Sometimes they just take off their clothes and talk about sex. All genuine, nothing stagey or forced. Abby Winters. Highly recommended. We’ll do a review later.

Once Grl unties me…

Grl Sez: Just as soon as I finish mushing up these mangoes, buster.

Last question. Do you have a one-liner that sums up your take on sex, love and life?

Guy Sez: The sexiest body part of all is a smile. Make it fun!

Thanks, Grl!

The next subject in the Hot Seat will be Grl. I’m looking forward to asking her some penetrating questions. After that we’ll go out hunting for subjects, tie them down, offer them Google Wave invites and put the screws to them in joint interviews.

Photo credit: hakill of stock.xch

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1. In the Hot Seat: Grlsezual of mygfsez.com
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It was that bar down on Lombard where they show classic movies on the wall-mounted television. This time, it was Taxi Driver.

Each night when I return the cab to the garage, I have to clean the cum off the back seat… –a much younger Robert de Niro, flinging the rag into the trash.

He was working on a Bud. Not his first of the night. “In Australia,” he told me, “you sit up front beside the cabdriver. It was Sunday morning, she was a young student earning a few extra bucks, and she looked really good. We’d driven to every nightclub in Sydney looking for my buddy, and when we couldn’t find him, I bought her a coffee.”

He laughed. “I wanted to go back to her place, but she lived with her parents. So, just as the sun came up, she leaned over, unzipped me, and gave me the best blowjob of my life.”

He laughed again, coarsely. “I gave her a tip. They don’t expect a tip in Australia.”

I looked at him, disbelief on my face. He was shaped rather like a beachball, he was old, he was ugly and he was drunk.

“I was younger then,” he said. “You know what? I came back home, and every time I had a date, I’d get her to suck me off in the cab. You know Broadway and Columbus?”

I nodded.

“That was the first time. We stopped at the red light, and that’s where I blew. After that, every time I got into a cab, I got a hard-on.”

…eye-shadow, mascara, lipstick, rouge…and then perfume, the spray kind. And then get this. In the middle of the Triboro Bridge – and this woman is beautiful – she changes her pantyhose!…I jump in the back seat and I whip it out and I said, you know what this is?…If she says, ‘It’s love,’ you know, I’m gonna f— her brains out. She goes wild, you know. And she said, ‘It’s the greatest single experience of my life.’ And she gave me a two hundred dollar tip and her phone number in Acapulco. –The Wizard, Taxi Driver

We’d gotten to talking about sex in taxis. Everyone has a story. I remembered a girl in the back of a taxi on a ride to Fort Mason. We held hands and kissed and lost track of time.

“No sex?” My drunk companion looked appalled. “That’s your best taxi ride?”

“Best taxi ride of my life,” I assured him.

Everyone has a story. What’s yours? Did you go all the way? Did the taxi come before you did? Who got the tip?

–Guy Sez

Photo credit: saine of stock.xchng

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Title:
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

Author:
Mary Roach

Previous publications:

• Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers
• Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife

Abstract
This is an examination of the scientific examination of sex. We learn a lot about sex and sexual behaviour and the history of sex, but mainly we learn about the nerds who strapped on goggles and gloves and clipboards to record how the good bits fit together.

Some of them reduced sex to subject numbers and data points. Some of them took photographs. And some entered the fourth dimension, notably the author and her husband, having sex for research purposes under the gaze of an ultrasound wand manipulated by a gent with spikey hair.

This book is every Weird Science nightmare. There’s a French princess who had her clitoris surgically transplanted into an optimum position for maximum stimulation. There are sex machines with chains and pumps and speed controllers and a fan club who build their own devices. (I’d give a lot to get their wives drunk and talkative.) There’s Dr Alfred Kinsey filming 300 paid male volunteers to masturbate on film so that he can measure the ejaculation distance. Most slopped, a few made it a foot, the record was just over eight feet. Mrs Kinsey’s comments on cleaning the carpet the next day are not recorded.

It is the wry eye of Mary Roach that makes this book. Her description of an unfortunate encounter is a good example:

…the Houston man was taken away, on his back in an ambulance, with a large water tank from a public commode stuck on his penis. “The patient had attempted intercourse with the water-tank hole,” reports B H Bayer, MD, in one of those rare, shining moments when urology approaches high comedy.

I think the author gets far too much fun out of all the statistics, sex on camera, Rube Goldberg measuring devices and coyly-worded requests for research funding. If the situation is absurd enough on its own, Roach will improve it with a well-chosen word or two.

The chapter titles give a teasing notion of the contents:

1. The Sausage, the Porcupine, and the Agreeable Mrs. G.
2. Can a Woman Find Happiness with a Machine?
3. The Princess and Her Pea
4. Does Orgasm Boost Fertility, and What Do Pigs Know About It?

Honest, this is about science, but it is also screamingly funny. Mary Roach has a sense of humour that made her first book about dead bodies an hilarious best-seller. I emphasise the warning given above. Be very careful where you read this book.

For the record, I found the chapter about pigs to be the funniest. I was gasping for breath half way through as assembly-line artificial insemination was described.

The training video includes a shot of a handsome, suntanned Dane lying on a sow, his chest pressed to her back. With one hand, he reaches down beneath her to rub her mammaries and squeeze her teats. A close-up highlights a gold wedding ring, as though to reassure the viewer that nothing untoward is going to happen between these two.

The most valuable chapter? Right at the end. The secret to amazing sex is to have it with someone of your own gender. Someone who knows what you like, because they have the same equipment. Someone who isn’t going to pound your clitoris into submission, or be too soft with your penis. Someone who will take their sweet time when required, and beat a faster drum at the right moment. Alternatively, talk to your partner. Tell them what you like, when you like it. Find out what they like. And, though Mary Roach doesn’t say it, the message is implicit on every page. Make them laugh. Make them love you.

Mary Roach has written three books now. If she ever publishes a fourth, I am going to be like those crowds of children beating down the bookstore doors for the latest Harry Potter. I am going to be first in line. And I am not taking the bus home.

Narrative
I bought this in Compass Books at San Francisco International Airport. On special (hardback) for $6.98. A few days later I was in a laundromat with Grl in Fort Worth, watching our underwear spin around together. I was reading Bonk and she was reading Tuesdays with Morrie and the tears were just pouring down her face as she struggled through the final few poignant chapters. Emotional genius that I am, I was lost in the insanely funny sex book, reading out choice paragraphs to Grl, who seemed strangely unamused.

A few days later, Grl and I flew back in, and I took her straight to Compass Books – highly recommended for books that are a sight better than your average airport sex thriller – where we discovered that the hardback specials had vanished but paperbacks were available. I bought two. This is another one of those books that you force on friends, saying, “You gotta read this!”

I gave one copy to Grl, on the spot.

–Guy Sez

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