FunkyBrownChick.com

• Blog Name: FunkyBrownChick
• Type: Lifestyle
• Level: Spicey
• Author: Twanna A Hines
• Location: New York City
• First Post: June 21, 2005
• Popularity: “On a good day, upwards of 3,000+ people visit this site. Funky Brown Chick isn’t huge. It isn’t extremely tiny either.”
• Platform: WordPress

My name is Twanna and I own Funky Brown Chick.
All rights reserved. So, please, don’t be a dick.

Guy Sez: You gotta love someone with a copyright notice like that one!

Perhaps the best introduction is FunkyBrownChick’s own words in her first post:

let’s see … this is the first entry so i should probably tell you more about myself. i’m somewhat new to new york, but i’m used to big cities. i’m black; hence, the “brown” in funky brown chick. i’m single and dating so you’ll get to read about all of the crazy stories from my 30-something love-less life. i could write more, but i’m sure we’ll come to know each other better with time. best not to rush these things.

Twanna A Hines, Funky Brown Chick – photo by Bill Wadman

Twanna maintains another site at twannahines.com – a site unlike any other I’ve seen. More than a Twitter feed, less than a blog, it’s a net-bite series of snapshots of her life. The more I read of Twanna, the more impressed I am. You don’t expect deep insights from a sexblogger, usually more noted for erotic entertainment than analysis and philosophy, but here in the Huffington Post she sticks it to Steven Levitt, author of Freakonomics. Then again, she has two degrees – a BS and an MA.

A self-described sexpot, she looks good enough to eat. Her chocolate skin has sent any number of delicious thoughts scampering through my hungry mind.

She gives good blog. Well written, entertaining, punchy. Not heavy on the explicit details, but she doesn’t pull her punches – if she is sleeping with someone, she sez so. It’s more a relationship blog than a sex blog; presumably you know what to do once you’re in bed together, you don’t need to be told who put what where and how many strokes per second.

There’s a “Best of First Year” post here. Even better, there’s a “Worst of…” post the very next day. Twanna doesn’t take herself too seriously! There’s a few broken links, due to a platform change or two from Blogger to Wordpress and one domain to another, but it’s not too hard to find the original posts. Better yet, just read the whole first year, skimming if you wish. Her posts aren’t long. Then read the second, third, fourth and fifth years! It’s all good.

If I have a criticism at all, it’s that the blog looks very “busy” on the page. There’s a lot going on, with advertising from various sources, an archive list as long as a short arm, a category list likewise, the posts themselves, and other bits and pieces all over. Then again, blogs that are solid slabs of text turn me off.

Twanna began blogging under the pseudonym Stollie (for Stolichnaya vodka) but gave that up after a while. She’s not the sort of person who works well with deception. She’s genuine, honest, upfront. You get a good flavor in an online interview at Clutch Magazine:

Best part about being FBC is that it’s me %100. Whether I’m church, with my friends or at work, I am Twanna Hines, Funky Brown Chick.

Twanna’s interest is in men. Young, sexy, exciting, often with a foreign accent. She has regular testosterone-based posts. Manly Mondays, Testicle Tuesdays and – sigh – Wanker Wednesdays.  I must admit to a certain level of fascination. Who will be the next man in her sights? Will she date him? How will it turn out?

Not just men and relationships, of course. For any single woman (or man) aiming to live in New York City, this blog is your homework. Native New Yorkers will have it in their genes, but Twanna moved to NYC from Chicago five years ago, and she has seen it all from an outside perspective. More outside than Chicago, actually – she’s lived here and there around the world and has insights and experience that put the frosting on top.

Sometimes her life reads a little like the script for a television series. Sexie in the City, maybe. She’s always got something on her plate, from heavy-duty writing workshops to interracial dating. There’s the flavor of an active metropolitan lifestyle. Twanna’s not writing for the sake of filling up blog pages – she’s taking time out from an actual life to fill us in on things interesting and thoughtful, entertaining and stimulating, fun and funky.

Which makes the titbits about her book all the more teasing. She’s working on the book of the blog, and unlike others I’ve seen, this won’t be just the pick of the website bound and gagged, this will have new material and a theme. Perhaps like Melissa Plaut’s Hack, where the Jewish Lesbian NYC night cabbie’s blog was transformed into a book that was edgier, more personal, more comprehensive, more coherent than the blog had ever been.

Looking forward to reviewing the book. In the meantime, Twanna’s blog has become one of my must-reads. Highly recommended for a smart, funny, literate woman’s view of life, the Big Apple, and the world.

–Guy Sez

Bonus video: FunkyBrownChick and Girl With a One-Track Mind talking at SXSW

Related posts:

1. “Diary of a Sex Fiend” by Abby Lee
2. Girl With a One-Track Mind

Grl sez: Heh, I’ve got iTunes on random, right now I’m listening to Slumdog Millionaire

Guy sez: Quiz show theme. I like it! Are you ready for the first round?

Grl sez: Woohoo bring it on! Shall I take us up to my bedroom?

Guy sez: Let me just tie you into the Hot Seat, here.  Unpack the secret box of interesting stuff.  Reach in for the first question…

Grl sez: Shall I take some clothes off first?

Guy sez: Only if you turn on the webcam…

Grl sez: All’s fair in love and war right?

Guy sez: Right. My first question! It’s an easy one. How old are you?

Grl sez: I’m in the mid 20s… young enough to still be cool and old enough to have some fun with it!

Guy sez: OK. You’re cool, icicles dripping off your nose. But what about orientation?

Grl sez: Haven’t you read my bio! I like (in alphabetical order) bagels, boys, chocolate, and girls…..especially blueberry bagels :p

Guy sez: I’m not as keen on b-words as you.

Grl sez: Not even the pumpkin ones?

Guy sez: Maybe pumpkin bagels are extra special. Haven’t tried one yet. Maybe next Halloween. Now that you’ve mentioned food, let me just reach in and see what we’ve got in the way of foodstuffs. Mangoes, root beer, peanut butter…

Grl sez: You can throw the root beer out thanks! Foul stuff!

Guy sez: Leaving out healthy diet aspects, if you could cover your lover’s body with something edible so you could lick it off, what would you choose?

Grl sez: That’s not hard….gotta go with the Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup…heaven in a bottle that stuff is!

Guy sez: I’ve just ordered an 8 pound can up from the Marina Safeway. I have everything else right here in the box. Chains, batteries, watermelon…

On that note, when you’re by yourself, just thinking quietly, hands nowhere in particular, what’s your favorite fantasy?

Grl sez: Hmmm, it changes fairly frequently Right now I’m loving imagining you tied up and covered in syrup…with Orlando Bloom….or Abby from NCIS…I’m easy!

Guy sez: Wow – I’m part of a double act, maybe a threesome, running through the good bits of your mind. With syrup footprints. Oh wait, no. You’ve tied me up. While Orlando Bloom has his way with you. You fiend!

Grl sez: Well at least I’m letting you watch…I could’ve had you blindfolded as well!

Guy sez: Your first love?

Grl sez: My first love would be Ben…I was a pretty tragic teenager and my best friend had to ask him out for me, while I hid behind a tennis raquet…we dated for a while but eventually realised neither of us were madly in love and would rather just be friends…and we’re still friends now..nothing big happened, a bit of kissing at best!

First real love….now that is a seriously tragic story! We’d been friends for a while after he helped get me through a tough patch in my life and then I fell madly in love with him after he shared a whole lot of his favourite music with me, after listening to What About Now by Daughtry over and over and over and over I realised just how in love with him I was….being in love with him was amazing, made me feel like I was full to bursting with joy, all the time. Sadly a whole lot of shit happened and we both changed and it ended fairly suddenly with him totally breaking my heart. It was worth it though, and I miss feeling that way about someone sometimes (not that I don’t love you to bits Guy!).

My first girl love was a girl I met while I was traveling. There’s a lot I regret not doing with her, but it was hard being on the move so much, and her job kept her working insane hours. Eventually, just before I came home, she told me she’d rather just be friends (which is fair enough, long distance is always difficult), but I still enjoy flirting with her a lot, and I miss her like crazy sometimes!

Guy sez: “Being in love is amazing, makes me feel full to bursting with joy, all the time.”

Isn’t it, just? I feel bubbly and bouncy and the world is bright.

Kind of hard to go on with my list of prepared questions, trying to get some of the sordid details, but here we go.

Have you ever masturbated in front of someone? Have you ever watched someone masturbate?

Grl sez: Yes for the first one, but I don’t *think* I’ve ever watched someone else…and (for the first one again) when he asked me if I was masturbating I got really embarrassed and told him no….that relationship was really awkward! Not exactly sure why I decided to go out with him!

Guy sez: Picking up on something you said earlier, do you have a favorite song for making love?

Grl sez: Nothing really springs to mind, but I like the idea of making love to Everybody by Sister Hazel!

Guy sez: Ah. Sister Hazel. Florida isn’t just oranges and Disney, you know. I love their latest album. Release. Sounds exactly the thing for making love! “Comes a release…”

Grl sez: Heh, me too <3

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of it in that way too!

Vacation Rain would be nice too…

Guy sez: Heh. They’ve got some good lines. There’s one about “…the taste of your tongue…” and I never kiss nowadays without sneaking in a little taste. You’re probably kind of chocolatey right now…

On the flip side – and you are probably too young to know about flip sides, it’s all CDs and MP3s nowadays, never a good honest piece of vinyl – what’s your preferred music after a relationship has ended? Your favorite comfort music. Barbra Streisand, maybe?

Grl sez: Depends on what kind of mood I’m in….if I just feel like crying then I like to listen to things like Tonight I Wanna Cry (Keith Urban), Carry Me Home (James Blunt), Best I’ll Ever Be (Sister Hazel), a cd I got given a few birthdays/christmas ago of an Australian Aboriginal singer Gurrumul (Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu), some R.E.M., some of the Lord of the Rings tracks, some Jack Johnson…that kind of thing.

If I’m mad then I’ll put on Life Got In The Way (more Sister Hazel, I’m a bit of Hazelnut!), Affirmation (Savage Garden), Nickelback sometimes…

If I’m just contemplative then I like Bernard Fanning’s Tea & Sympathy…

Guy sez: Music to avoid when hanging out with Grl, readers!

Ok, I kind of got carried away when you asked me this question. Let’s see where it leads us today. If you had to select just one moment with a lover to remember forever, which one would it be?

Grl sez: *thinking* being woken up s-l-o-w-l-y (just how I like!) by being stroked was amazing. Or falling asleep in my lover’s arms the night before. Even if his legs were cold!

Or the first time I had chat sex – that was mindblowingly good! Does that count? Even if my lover wasn’t physically there he was mentally present!

I think I’m going to go with the chat sex one…wow that was good!

Guy sez: Well, that takes care of the question I was going to ask you. You must be a mindreader. They didn’t have chatsex when I was a boy, it was all punchcards and mainframes.

Who was the lucky boy?

Grl sez: Man thank you very much! That was with my first real love….Thomas (he was a lot of fun!)

Guy sez: Right. Moving along here, looking at some of the things I’ve got in the interview box, do you have a favorite sex toy?

Grl sez: Favourite sex toy….no, I’m sadly uninitiated as yet! I’m still a bit shy at heart sometimes! Easily embarrassed….although I suspect that will change. So I’ll have to get back to you on that one…

Although I do have a rather attractive stuffed zebra toy that can be fun to play with

Guy sez: Oh well, I won’t bother asking about household appliances…

Free time here. Anything you want to get off your chest before I put the final question to you?

Grl sez: Can I get you under my chest instead

Guy sez: I thought you’d never ask! Here, let me just grab some of that freshly delivered Hershey’s sauce – Marina Safeway, ladies and gentlemen, the best supermarket in the world – and get stuck in.

But before we vanish under the covers, do you have just one line to leave our readers with?

Grl sez: I’m not sure chocolate syrup under covers is a good idea…are *you* going to clean up afterwards or leave it all to me!

Guy sez: I’m going to lick it all up! Hunt down every last luscious drop.

Grl sez: My line is: “you never know when love’s going to hit, so may as well have some fun while you wait!”

Guy sez: OK, that’s a wrap. Getting a little sticky here. Uh. Is that mike still live?

Grl sez: No comment!

Related posts:

1. In the Hot Seat: Guysezual of mygfsez.com
2. Why Sister Hazel rocks!